July 27, 2005
Something worth sharing

I co-facilitate a group for battered women on Tuesday evenings and my co-facilitator brought this in and I just love it and wanted to share with anyone who might read this.
Got this from a friend and thought it was absolutely worth sharing...This should be given to every female child at her birth and she should be required to commit it to memory by her 13th birthday!!!!
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for styaing when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make his into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage...deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr.Right. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always knows where you are, and your always readily available to him-he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. (Hallejuah, thank you Jesus!)
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. Share this with other ladies....You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare. They sat it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.

July 25, 2005
I'm losing again!

I went to WI (weigh in) on Saturday after work and I wasn't sure what to expect because I knew I didn't have a POP (perfectly on program) week. I do really well in the a.m. I usually have the same breakfast of a slice of 40 cal. bread toasted with butter and an orange. That works for me, and then coffee at work, snack at 10 which usually includes a Luna bar and some fruit and then i do ok with lunch, especially if i stay in at work (which i hate sometimes because i feel like i have to get out of here for a break), but dinner can be a real challenge. Mainly because i don't plan enough or i just make bad choices. But anyway, i lost 2 lbs. anyway this last week and i was thrilled! So i'm down to 15 lbs. total since January. I'm noticing that the medication is affecting my appetite in a good way, i feel more in control, i don't seem to have as many cravings, especially at night. The last couple days i've been able to have dinner and then nothing else, when I usually want to munch at night, so that is a very good side-effect. Or maybe it's just making my appetite normal, like it use to be?

I had a kind of bad weekend. Sat. afternoon my x-boyfriend called again and i've just had it with him. I don't want to be involved, even emotionally with a married man, he doesn't know what he wants to do, he has a drinking problem which he'll admit but do nothing about. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but then talks about going MIA, which for him means leaving his family and friends behind and starting anew - which does not include me....I just told him that i couldn't help him, that he needed to figure it out and he needed to leave me alone. I got angry and hurt and started crying and then i hung up on him. For self-preservation i really cannot speak to him, but he called me all weekend and left messages. My friend Eric called me right after i hung up on him and we were suppose to do something together, but i just wasn't up to it. He told me to go take a nap, because i didn't sound well, and to call later if i wanted to go, but i didn't call him, i just hibernated all night. I hope he isn't mad at me, but i think he's the type to understand.

On the knitting front, i'm done with the body of the baby sweater and now have 1 sleeve done and have to do the other, maybe tonight.

I went to an energy healer counselor friday after work. I really liked her a lot. She was suggested by my regular dr. and she thought she'd be helpful with the depression. We met for about an hour and just talked last Friday, but i'm going again this Wed. and it'll involve talking and then body work. I believe in this approach and i'm very excited to see how it goes on Wednesday. She'll read my chakras and i would imagine that my heart chakra will be really messed up. Just talking to her, i'm thinking that the depression stems from my past relationship with Michael. So we're going to work on that.

Still no pics...

July 21, 2005
Can't think of something cute and clever...

Oh, the pressure. Becoming a blogger and looking at all the other blogs, it can become intimidating and overwhelming. I have a vision of what i'd like this blog to look like, but i don't know how to do it yet. But i will. I'm going to learn HTML if it kills me. It won't kill me, but i really want to learn it.

I am now a RAOKer and i'm pleased. I was accepted into the group who's mission is to do Random Acts of Kindness...isn't that cool? It doesn't have to cost a thing, but the concept of it is really nice. Some people say there's too much nice in the world, but i disagree, nice is nice. I was thinking that until i get caught up with all the RAOKer emails that there is nothing from stopping me from doing a RAOK to someone locally each day. I had an idea of this a couple years ago that i wanted to do at church. I mentioned it to my cousin who is instrumental in our parish and she just didn't get it, she kind of looked at my inquisitively like, "How are you gonna do that?" well, you just do it. If there's a need and you can help, do it. Well it never happened at my church and that's my fault i guess, because i could have gone ahead with it, but she so discouraged me. I got the idea when i went to the mall one day on a Saturday and went to the food court and had a bite for lunch. I was finished with lunch and digging in my purse for something (lipstick probably) and this lady came up to me and asked if she could take my tray. First thought is, why? What does she want? What does she want to sell me? Does she have a ribbon or a card or a token or something and wants a donation? But no, she was with a church group and they were there that day, just to do RAOK. So my idea is to put a post-it note on a strangers car each day. I'm going to do it near work, or at the Target shopping center, or wherever and i'm going to leave a post it on their window and say something like "I hope you have a fantastic day today. You are a great person and many people love you. You are special to many people and i don't want you to forget. " I can't wait, i'm going to do it starting today!

I finished the Soleil sweater is Sugarplum Cotton Ease, I really like the look with the crochet edging around the arms and neckline, but my gauge is off i think. It seems too big for me and a little low cut. And i'm good at blocking, i'm wondering if there's somewhere i can take it to have it blocked. I'd rather pay to have it done right to be able to wear it. I think it'd be cute with a cute little camisole underneath.

I also finished the Pistachio Cotton Ease baby sweater and it's adorable IMNSHO! I put Noah's Ark buttons on it, because it may go to a girl or a boy. Not sure i really like the buttons but they are staying on. I was out of batteries in my digital but i will get pics posted soon.

I've now started a baby sweater in white and lavender purple stripe. I like the look of the two yarns together. I redid it last night because i had the wrong needle size and wanted to do it correctly.

I'm feeling really pretty good. I'm not having a lot side effects. There are subtle ones, but some of them are really good to have. Such as, for the last 2 years atleast i've had trouble getting to bed at a decent time. I end up just being up, watching TV or doing something and thinking, i should go to bed, but not. And then i'd be so tired in the a.m. And i'm a sleeper, always have been, i really need 8 hours or i'm not my best. So i've noticed that i get tired and want to go to bed early, so i've been going to bed earlier, like 9:30 or 10:00 and that is so great. I'm having some bad days still. The other night i wanted to be a hermit after work, didn't want to answer the phone or see anyone. So i have to remember that it can take awhile to really notice an improvement.

Last week I lost 4 lbs and i made my weekly goal of walking 3 times and i weighed in 3 x too. This week the goals are the same but i'm having trouble making the goal. But i'm not giving up.

July 13, 2005
Kathie, dr., the Redneck Pastor and Lexapro

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My ex-bf's sister and my friend and old-coworker Kathie H. passed away peacefully on Friday 7/8/05 around noon. She was surrounded by family at her mother's house and i can only imagine that it was peaceful. She had been in so much pain from breast cancer that spread. A lot of people are happy that she isn't in pain anymore. Rob, the ex-bf took it ok, as well as can be expected from someone who is an alcoholic and also very unhappy in his own personal life. He called me many many times during the last week, trying to deal with it. He did get to see her before she passed, but then he caused some family problems while doing it too. He doesn't handle things very well. By Sat. early he was telling me that he wasn't going to the funeral b/c of the family and they being upset by him. I tried to talk to him about why he should go, but you can't talk anyone into doing something they don't want to do and especially him. I'm tired of trying. So i'm thinking today is her funeral probably and i've sent a card to the family which may upset some people but i don't care. I sent the family my condolences, let them know they are in prayer and told them i would miss her twinkling eyes and smile. So Kathie, you lived a good life, you were an excellent daughter, wife, mother, sister and friend and you will be missed.

Went to the dr. yesterday for my physical, pap and to discuss my depression and anxiety. I did start taking Lexapro yesterday and i'm hopeful that it'll help. I'm going back in 2 weeks for a checkup, she likes to do that to see how i'm taking the medication, dealing with any side effects, the biggest being thoughts of suicide. I've been feeling hopeless and like whatever, but i have not contemplated that. Thank God. I feel i'm doing a good thing for myself and i've committed to taking this for atleast 1 year. She gave me a referral for an energy healer, i will check it out. And i did get up for the 2nd time this week early and go walking. The walk on Monday gave me an anxiety attack but after the advice of the girls on KnitNFit (they are so wonderful), the walk today was much better. I used the yogic breathing meditation, counting my breath, in and out thru my nose. It helped me to concentrate on what i was doing and it really helped.

I've had a "thing" for this guy named Charlie who lives in Mississippi for almost 3 years now. We met online on eharmony. He's the only one that i made it thru the whole process with and he's a great guy. He's had many changes in these 3 years, including working on oil rigs in the middle of ocean off the coast of timbuktu, to coming home to be a pastor of his home church, to going to the Philipines for about a year to start a church, to coming home again and losing his leg last October in an auto accident. And BTW, he calls himself the Redneck, so no offense is meant there at all. He has quite the sense-of-humor. I mention him because things have really strengthened between us in the last 3-4 months, we chat more, we've talked on the phone, we've talked about finally meeting in person, and i just think the world of him. And then about 3 weeks ago....he disappeared. Not online, no email, no calls (although he had just run over his cell phone with the tractor so wasn't sure he had a phone), i sent emails, saying what happened.....no response. I was worried and concerned, but then i was also kind of ticked. I thought, maybe i said something he didn't like, maybe he wasn't interested after all....who knows. But then he came online and i said hi, but it was his son. Well i didn't want to pump his son, but geez, asked if he was ok. And then he told me, he had been in the hospital and was coming home yesterday. And i later found out he had to go to New Orleans to a specialist and be in hospital there. Poor guy. He had strep throat that got really bad and had to have his tonsils out, which is really a nasty surgery for adults, i know, i had mine out at 17 and it wasn't fun. And then his leg got infection and if it doesn't improved he's looking at further amputation. So if anyone is reading this and prays or whatever you do, please send good and healing thoughts for my dear Redneck Pastor.

And lexapro....well i mentioned it above, but i'm going to try and write a log of how it affects and hopefully the changes it helps me to make in life.

I started a soleil sweater for me in Cotton Ease in Sugarplum, the lavender color. I got started over the weekend and i'm about 80% done. Still no pics, still have many UFO's. I've got to deal with those, they are bugging me. Have to finish my cousins afghan and GET IT IN THE MAIL. Geez, it's getting embarrassing. That's on my goal list.

I co-facilitate a weekly support group for battered women and one of the ladies brought in this great poem. She said it spoke to her and i can see why, it did me too. I'm really proud of her, she's a real nice woman, has 2 small children and had such hopes of having a happy family and now is learning to live a good life without a husband. She's one of those girls that no matter what happens, it could be awful and difficult, but she handles it. That's why i admire her, i use to be like her. Here's the poem.
The Journey
by Mary Oliver
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice -
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do -
determined to save
the only life that you could save.

July 6, 2005
heart is hurting

I woke up this a.m. feeling like i had a hangover because i had some bad back pain last night and took 2 darvoset. Then i ended up on the phone late and so this a.m. was not great...

It's funny how things come up and can really hurt you. There was a very sad announcement on my local radio show this a.m. One of the producers who is also on this one show had a baby girl in March and her poor baby died yesterday, apparently from SIDS. You can't help but feel for her and her family. This was the first grandchild for both families. Just so tragic. But the mother has requested that in lieu of flowers that people would donate time, money, efforts to an organization called Bundle of Love. I went to their website and one of the things they do is take donations and offer free patterns and ideas for burial gowns, buntings, etc. Well, i just feel that this is something i have to do. I can't imagine the pain, but if it could give a family some comfort to know that their precious child is loved, even by strangers. This will be my new project, it has to be.

July 1, 2005
Figuring out blogging, inspiration, gauge and the x-bf...

Well, i obviously don't know what i'm doing, trying to figure out how you add links and all that side information. So forgive my posts when they make no sense to you. I wanted to put this link on the side so if anyone wanted to join KnitnFit they could. I just joined and i found them to be really welcoming and nice people. And uplifting and inspirational. I'll have to do more research to figure all this out.

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I have been very busy lately, trying to finish the Cotton Ease cable baby sweater in pistachio. 3 nights ago i decided the back and fronts were not long enough so i added about 1.5 inches to all. I was kind of winging it, without a tape measure (big mistake) Then i wasn't sure that i knitted the front left and right sides correctly, still not sure i did it right, but i'm now piecing it together. I've completed the neck ribbing and the front left and right buttonbands. Those called for more stitches, but i didn't think i should squeeze them in, the band would have puckered. Do you all do the same, tailor the pattern depending on how you think about it? I didn't check my gauge and i'm sure this is why i'm having some problems. What kind of knitter am i when i don't check my gauge??... Should have it complete this weeekend and then i'll post pics.

Stacie has truly inspired me, she was like me, and said she wouldn't run unless someone was chasing her and she just completed her first mile running without stopping! So proud of her. Not sure i'll ever get to the point where i'm running, but i have to tackle this one step at a time.

The x-boyfriend did call me 3 times while I was at work the following day and leave messages, he sounded upset, sad, frantic, like he really needed to talk to me. I of course did not call him back, and i was sure he'd be calling me that evening, but he did not. I've left it alone and i can only pray for him. I hope he's ok, but i cannot be his saviour.