July 13, 2005
Kathie, dr., the Redneck Pastor and Lexapro

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My ex-bf's sister and my friend and old-coworker Kathie H. passed away peacefully on Friday 7/8/05 around noon. She was surrounded by family at her mother's house and i can only imagine that it was peaceful. She had been in so much pain from breast cancer that spread. A lot of people are happy that she isn't in pain anymore. Rob, the ex-bf took it ok, as well as can be expected from someone who is an alcoholic and also very unhappy in his own personal life. He called me many many times during the last week, trying to deal with it. He did get to see her before she passed, but then he caused some family problems while doing it too. He doesn't handle things very well. By Sat. early he was telling me that he wasn't going to the funeral b/c of the family and they being upset by him. I tried to talk to him about why he should go, but you can't talk anyone into doing something they don't want to do and especially him. I'm tired of trying. So i'm thinking today is her funeral probably and i've sent a card to the family which may upset some people but i don't care. I sent the family my condolences, let them know they are in prayer and told them i would miss her twinkling eyes and smile. So Kathie, you lived a good life, you were an excellent daughter, wife, mother, sister and friend and you will be missed.

Went to the dr. yesterday for my physical, pap and to discuss my depression and anxiety. I did start taking Lexapro yesterday and i'm hopeful that it'll help. I'm going back in 2 weeks for a checkup, she likes to do that to see how i'm taking the medication, dealing with any side effects, the biggest being thoughts of suicide. I've been feeling hopeless and like whatever, but i have not contemplated that. Thank God. I feel i'm doing a good thing for myself and i've committed to taking this for atleast 1 year. She gave me a referral for an energy healer, i will check it out. And i did get up for the 2nd time this week early and go walking. The walk on Monday gave me an anxiety attack but after the advice of the girls on KnitNFit (they are so wonderful), the walk today was much better. I used the yogic breathing meditation, counting my breath, in and out thru my nose. It helped me to concentrate on what i was doing and it really helped.

I've had a "thing" for this guy named Charlie who lives in Mississippi for almost 3 years now. We met online on eharmony. He's the only one that i made it thru the whole process with and he's a great guy. He's had many changes in these 3 years, including working on oil rigs in the middle of ocean off the coast of timbuktu, to coming home to be a pastor of his home church, to going to the Philipines for about a year to start a church, to coming home again and losing his leg last October in an auto accident. And BTW, he calls himself the Redneck, so no offense is meant there at all. He has quite the sense-of-humor. I mention him because things have really strengthened between us in the last 3-4 months, we chat more, we've talked on the phone, we've talked about finally meeting in person, and i just think the world of him. And then about 3 weeks ago....he disappeared. Not online, no email, no calls (although he had just run over his cell phone with the tractor so wasn't sure he had a phone), i sent emails, saying what happened.....no response. I was worried and concerned, but then i was also kind of ticked. I thought, maybe i said something he didn't like, maybe he wasn't interested after all....who knows. But then he came online and i said hi, but it was his son. Well i didn't want to pump his son, but geez, asked if he was ok. And then he told me, he had been in the hospital and was coming home yesterday. And i later found out he had to go to New Orleans to a specialist and be in hospital there. Poor guy. He had strep throat that got really bad and had to have his tonsils out, which is really a nasty surgery for adults, i know, i had mine out at 17 and it wasn't fun. And then his leg got infection and if it doesn't improved he's looking at further amputation. So if anyone is reading this and prays or whatever you do, please send good and healing thoughts for my dear Redneck Pastor.

And lexapro....well i mentioned it above, but i'm going to try and write a log of how it affects and hopefully the changes it helps me to make in life.

I started a soleil sweater for me in Cotton Ease in Sugarplum, the lavender color. I got started over the weekend and i'm about 80% done. Still no pics, still have many UFO's. I've got to deal with those, they are bugging me. Have to finish my cousins afghan and GET IT IN THE MAIL. Geez, it's getting embarrassing. That's on my goal list.

I co-facilitate a weekly support group for battered women and one of the ladies brought in this great poem. She said it spoke to her and i can see why, it did me too. I'm really proud of her, she's a real nice woman, has 2 small children and had such hopes of having a happy family and now is learning to live a good life without a husband. She's one of those girls that no matter what happens, it could be awful and difficult, but she handles it. That's why i admire her, i use to be like her. Here's the poem.
The Journey
by Mary Oliver
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice -
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do -
determined to save
the only life that you could save.





2 Comments:

Blogger FaeryCrafty said...

I'm really sorry about your friend, but I am happy that she is now at peace.

Blogger Vicki said...

I'm so sorry to hear about Kathie. I hope you're doing well. I've dealt with depression for most of my life, including suicidal thoughts and other things. I know how bad that place can be. Do you have a psychologist or counselor you can talk to? I had to see a fairly unconventional counselor for a while and it really helped once I opened up. I was also on an antidepressant for a while. I remember not wanting to even get out of bed. I'll be thinking good thoughts for your redneck. Soliel is a great pattern.

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