April 30, 2006

Our whole weekend has revolved around my Dad, who is not doing well. Here's his blog with an update if you are interested. http://denissimons.blogspot.com

April 28, 2006

Today I had a dr's appt, a check up because I had my thyroid level checked, it was normal. She gave me a inhaler because I wheeze at night, thank God Dad had that and he won't be using it so I didn't have to pay for that. Going later may for a Pap. I was given another medicine for this crud on my head. Got to work about 15 minutes late. Today was pay day! And again I'm shocked, I have money in the bank and I'm getting things paid, I'm not really living paycheck to paycheck now. I have some old bills to pay and I'm working on that. But I'm feeling good.

Mom and I went to dinner tonight, it was nice. We needed to sit and talk. Mom had a call from the hospital about Dad and his care. The prognosis is not great. He could need a surgery for his prostrate and his heart, but he can't take a surgery. There's something going on with his heart and lungs and it's probably not going to improve. They are talking about Hospice car, which upsets my mother because we are having to look at the reality of losing him. I can't talk about it anymore. Saw him tonight and he seemed a little better, they moved him to another room but we're not sure why. His Dr. and nurse do not want Hospice to speak to him yet, but again we're not sure why. It's day by day, it's scary.

Having a glass of Shiraz and going to bed early, I've been really tired all day, stress getting to me.

This weekend is filled with studying......i've got to concentrate and get this done. I have to pass this test.

April 27, 2006
Retail Therapy and some knitting too...

Well I'll be dipped....I've been trying for over an hour to upload some pics and I can't get it done. I just can't seem to concentrate or get things done right now. The stress is getting to me. (As I'm typing I figured it out, so pics are here now)

So my retail therapy involves winning a bid on a Louis Vuitton Mizi bag, which I received today and it is gorgeous! I'm so excited, I've never spent more than maybe $20-25 on a purse/handbag and I wanted a really nice one. One that I'd use every season, and hopefully not tire of. So I really like the LV brown/gold pattern and I'm really happy with my bag. It is gorgeous. The leather is beautiful and the detail is something else. I researched how much this bag would normally be, and it's sold out, you can't get one and I got it with shipping and taxes for about 1/10th of the price. It's the only way I could afford something like this.

Here's pics of my cardigan, it's going slow because I just don't have the time to knit right now. And it's killing me because it's fun to knit.

And finally, I received my yarn from Knitn PurlZen which is just so beautiful. I love them both, but I wish I was more careful because I thought they were both sock weight and the Fuzzy Navel I think is worsted. I like the weight of the Raspberry Mocha one. I'm hoping to make a pair of socks out of it. So I think I'm going to make a hat with the Fuzzy Navel color. Roxanne is very talented with the dying, I just love the colors.

My dad is still in the hospital, he's not doing great, we're not sure he'll be able to come home, he may have to stay at a convalescent hospital, but we'll see. We want miracles! You just never know. I'm very stressed, I should be studying, but concentrating is hard for me right now.

The ex boyfriend is emailing me, missing me, but I'm not calling or responding. I'm better off by myself right now, sadly. I need good and positive things in my life.

A big thank you and hug to all of you for your prayers and kind words. It's a real pick me up when I see my "friends" and your comforting comments.

April 24, 2006

Something you should never have to do in your lifetime....
  • watch your Dad slip out of consciousness as he's gasping for breath and think he passed right before you. And then try to do chest compressions because he isn't breathing.
  • watch your Mom get so upset because she thinks he's gone too.
  • see your Dad with a respirator tube breathing for him.

This is what our weekend was like. He is in ICU and doing better but not well.

April 19, 2006

I failed my test today....enough said. I feel like crap. But I can take it again and I will and I will pass. But for now, it just feels awful....

April 16, 2006
A good excuse to eat chocolate!

Happy Easter to all of you! Our Easter is a little different this year, we slept in, had to get my brother up and then we had a small breakfast with sliced ham, scrambled eggs and cheese danish. We normally have champagne and peaches to celebrate but Mom has this bad crud and i'm still getting over it and neither of us felt like it. It just seems weird with Dad not being home. We're taking the basket of eggs and candy and some breakfast goodies over to him in a while. I didn't even make it to Church... I think He understands.

Yesterday I graduated and got my certificate from my class and then I picked up my brother and took him on a little shopping trip. Took him to lunch at CA Pizza Kitchen, yum. I love their chopped bacon and gorgonzola salad and Gary enjoyed it. Then we got some See's candy for Mom and Dad and some cards, and then we went to Nordstrom and he wanted to see some men's cologne. He was going to get the Vera Wang shaving balm but then wanted the Eternity Summer cologne which is very nice, light and crisp. Then I got to go to Mac (my new favorite cosmetic), and I got another color of the paint eyeshadow which is fabulous, it's called Magritte and i got a beautiful shadow to go with it called tempting. I'm going to have to add Mac to my monthly budget! :) Then I took Gary for a cup of coffee at the Nordstrom bar and he wanted a coffee holder too. We sat and had that and then came home. Poor mom was so sick yesterday but is better today. I'm not feeling great this a.m. and the cough is way deep.

Pics are coming of the cardigan, promise. When I get home from Dads.

April 14, 2006
I don't like being so busy

This week has been unreal and it won't really stop for me until after next Wednesday afternoon when I take my State Licensing exam to be an insurance agent and pass. PASS! HEAR ME! The class started out with the statistics that 70% of people fail on their first try....thanks. Well I heard it all before in another State and I passed so I am determined to pass the first time, even though I'm 2 years, maybe 3 years older and learning is just harder when your older, or it is for me anyway. But you know what, I can do this. I'm not a know it all, I don't much care for those people, but I'm smart and I know I can do this, but it's going to take some work. So I've still got a lot of studying to do. They say that this test is equivalent to having your Masters in the insurance industry. I even can use credentials....woowoo!

Our friends had to cancel coming over for Sunday Easter brunch and as much as I'll miss seeing them, a part of me is glad, because now we don't have to clean the house like mad and we can have our own celebration and I can study and we'll go see my Dad at the conv. hospital. He was suppose to be home but he got a bladder infection and he's now on 7 days of an intravenous antibiotic.

Oh, get this.....I got paid today and I still had over $200 in the bank!!!!! I know that sounds silly but for me, it's a real accomplishment, and I'm just so thankful!!!!

At the advice of a dear friend I've just received some books and a journal and some self care cards from Cheryl Richardson and I'm so excited. Check her out at www.cherylrichardson.com. She's really cool and if you need some inspiration or want to improve your life, she's cool. My life is improving every day.

Sad to say, but every day I'm away from him it's getting easier. He's emailed me lately, asking me little questions, telling me he misses me, asking me how to cook a porkroast (Do I look like Julia Child?.....figure it out yourself Dude!) That lame attempt was trying to tell me that he'll be all alone with his nephew for Easter and to try and make me feel guilty and bad for him and guess what.....I don't. It's not that I am not compassionate, but there are reasons that we are not together this Holiday and good ones. I did not respond to any emails.

Today at lunch I had a half-hour neck shoulder and back massage and it was wonderful!!! I did it for my stress relief and also to get the toxins out of my body from this cold I got on Tuesday. It came with a sore-throat and an annoying cough but it is getting better. And I tried that Airborne stuff and I like it, I think it helped.

I'm pooped, and I have a half-day class tomorrow and then graduation! Promise I will post pics this weekend of my cardigan, it's coming along nicely!

April 9, 2006

Crap....i started a post, got sidetracked on the phone, logged off and it's gone.

K, started the cardigan and I love it. The colorwork is beautiful. I will post pics soon. And I'm proud of me because I swatched and was exactly on gauge. I HATE swatching, almost never do it, but thought i should for this project and glad I did.

I may not be blogging much this week because i'm doing my schooling for my licensing this week and 1/2 of Saturday and have to study for my State test on Wednesday next week in downtown. So it's crunch time for me. But i'm looking forward to it!

Good things are happening for me!

April 7, 2006
Feeling for today..

  • I feel sad that Dad is getting older and his life is changing because of his health.
  • I feel hopeful that things are as they should be in my life. Even though I'm in pain from the break-up my heart knows it's right.
  • I feel optimistic about my future, there are good things in store for me and my family.
  • I feel hurt.
  • I feel confused about relationships. Good relationships have problems, when do you know that it's still healthy or unhealthy?
  • I feel really positive about my work situation. I'm somewhere I enjoy coming to work every day. I like the people, I like the work and I'm being recognized for good work.

April 5, 2006

Dad did have another stroke and is in a convalescent hospital right now. I saw him today at lunch. It's quite depressing. Yesterday I had to make a police report re: a threatening phone call from Jr. But I'm OK and things are looking up. I'm seeing someone to help work through all this and she gave me this today:

Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries
  1. Telling all.
  2. Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting.
  3. Falling in love with a new acquaintance.
  4. Falling in love with anyone who reaches out.
  5. Being overwhelmed by a person - preoccupied.
  6. Acting on first sexual impulse.
  7. Being sexual for partner, not self.
  8. Going against personal values or rights to please others.
  9. Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries.
  10. Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries.
  11. Accepting food, gifts, touch, sex, that you don't want.
  12. Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting.
  13. Giving as much as you can for the sake of giving.
  14. Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.
  15. Letting others direct your life.
  16. Letting others describe your reality.
  17. Letting others define you.
  18. Believing others can anticipate your needs.
  19. Expecting others to fill your need automatically.
  20. Falling apart so someone will take care of you.
  21. Self abuse.
  22. Sexual and physical abuse.
  23. Food abuse.

Do you recognize any of these behaviors as your own? Would you be willing to admit it? I will admit that I see several that I recognize, especially 10. I never notice until after the relationship is over.

All I can say is that I'm working on it, I want to be my best person.

April 3, 2006

Looks like Dad had another stroke Saturday night or early Sunday morning. He woke up feeling a lot different. Very weak, not able to talk the same, slow and really had to think about it. We had to call 911 because he couldn't walk and we couldn't get him to the car. It was a drastic change from the day before where he was talking, getting up to go to the bathroom, etc. I can't help but feel really gloomy today.

I did some retail therapy Sat. afternoon, got mom her Mac compact and I got a concealer pencil and some Mac paint eyeshadow, which I LOVE! I also got some Mario Badescu drying lotion for my breakouts. It's weird stuff, it has this pink calamine looking stuff on the bottom of the bottle and oily stuff up top of that. You want to shake the bottle, but you are not suppose to. What you do is put a cotton swab in to the bottom and then put that on the problem area and let it dry and wash off in the morning. It's suppose to work miracles...we'll see. I also got some Tea Tree Oil with Vit E for this crud I get on the back of my scalp, the Dr. gave me something for it and it didn't work at all, my friend told me about tea tree and I read up on it and it was recommended. I started that yesterday and would you believe it's already helped and I'm not itching today. I also bought a Sudoku puzzle book thanks to Missy for getting me addicted to Sudoku puzzles. And I was bad and bought 1 knit magazine, but only 1. :)

I finished the Adamas shawl and I LOVE it, I'll try to post pre-blocking pics soon.